Too Fast To Fish
Ian Wood (a.k.a. Captain Woodnuts) international consultant turned hack mechanic / shark wrangler. He learned to drive fast when he was chased and shot at in a high speed pursuit through a sleepy Long Island town in 1988. After years of therapy, Ian still drives like he's being chased by gun wielding lunatics but this time he's chasing them through the streets of Hollywood in his S4 station wagon (true story). He has a delusional notion that he can race cars even though he can barely keep a hold of his California Driver's License. He considers all of Los Angeles his personal test track and gets very annoyed when other motorists interfere with his speeding. His primary racing credentials consist of putting a brand new Ford Escort RS Cosworth into the bushes twice in one day in the English countryside. That and making every one of his girlfriends cry because of his driving. He eats nothing but nuts and muffins and he lives in airport lounges between races.
Clay Bush (a.k.a. Sir Crashington Crashy von Crash-A-Lot and Sir Spills-A-Lot) identifiable by his thick black Elvis Costello glasses, is our resident petrol head. Clay is not to be trusted with a can of spray paint, the Green Cartoon Hammer, a watermelon, your email address, and his middle finger. Clay has a photographic memory of every black flag he's ever received and can meticulously explain why none of them were his fault. Despite extensive motocross experience, he rides his motorcycle like an epileptic having a seizure. Clay is often too busy to help out due to his rigorous regimen of Facebook posts that he labors on each day. But when he does turn up, he will helpfully explain why the work you did on the car is wrong. His primary racing qualification is that he watches way too much NASCAR but actually can drive as long as he wears his mittens and the electronic shock collar.
Justin Delfino (a.k.a. Tinkerbelle) is the team's muscle and part two of the Pizza Connection. Justin is the founder of the controversial Team Rescue, a drunk and disorderly gathering of metro-sexual sounding men who rally to the support of fellow comrades that have fallen and can't get up… often because they're drunk too. Justin took too much growth hormone as a child and can pretty much crush you just by thinking about it. Justin suffers from a rare brain disorder that impairs his ability to perceive time. As result, he cannot distinguish AM from PM and often turns up to many important activities 12 hours late. Justin's primary contribution to the team is his father who serves as a calm and soothing voice on the radio while the rest of the team panics and yells at each other.
Derek Spears, (a.k.a. Dere-lick My Own Balls Capi-tan), the Greenhorn. Scathing profile pending...
Sharks Out For A Swim
Antonia Salm, zee prinzessin of Beachvood Canyon (but iz never zer) recently announced her engagement to Ralph Nader. Her primary racing qualification is that she drives "the panzer" (her beaten on Allroad 4.2) like her ass is on fire. She spends the majority of her time missing in action but insists she is not a flake. She is the matron of the infamous Peasants’ Manor (but iz never zer) and has an affinity for Patron and sharks. She is a suspect in the death of legendary shark fisherman, Frank Mundus and was the last person to interview him before he died (the last part is true). For your own safety, it is advisable not to disparage sharks in her presence. It is even more advisable to be in the costume she has designed for you when she tells you to! On the track, she occasionally performs a Crazy Ivan by turning 180 degrees to see who is behind her and has been known on at least one occasion to take "alternate routes" around the track.
Mike Ohsann, self-confessed wrench addict. His backyard looks like a place where cars go to die but his garage contains more tools than an Orange County night club on July 4th weekend. Unlike the rest of the team, Mike is more likely to fix something rather than break it. But in this group, that is not saying much. His friends and family have given up trying to reform his dumpster diving habit. Mike has a knack for buying cars that work, breaking them, and then using them to shade the grass in his backyard. A Porsche, an Eclipse and the E36 from hell all have served many months as shelter for countless black widow spiders. On several occasions, he has threatened to evict the spiders and fix the broken cars but each time he decided to go skiing instead. The EPA, DMV and DOT all have registered concerns about what happens in Mike's garage. Mike enjoys opera and spooning with his teammates.
Manhattan Perry is the manorexic hipster who dresses like a skinhead truck driver. He was the last person alive to smoke unfiltered Lucky cigarettes. Manhattan thinks he is God's Gift to Women and a Chick Magnet, however most know him as "The Big Maybe" because he's never RSVP'd to anything in his entire life. He wears leather biking jackets in 110 degree desert heat while consuming absinthe from a flask. As an apparel industry insider, he will closely examine your girlfriend’s ass and is disturbingly accurate at guessing her size. He enjoys swimming in his jeans and is the largest private shareholder of Tecate beer. His primary racing qualification is that he kicks ass at Super Mario Kart. His dog is an alcoholic and is wanted for murder. He prefers to sit on cars rather than in them. He is guilty in conceiving the idea that became The Sharks during a 4 day brain hemorrhage in the desert. He made his track debut in Spring 2009 and hasn't raced since.
Josh Marcuson, the tree monkey, spends most of his time 80 feet above the ground hanging from a thin strap murdering trees and thus sees little risk in car racing. He doesn't drink which is why the rest of the team has a hard time trusting him. He prefers to stand on the seat of his motorcycle rather than sitting on it. He is very close with his cat, a dog named Withnail and his BMW motorcycle. Josh has a delusional belief that he can get things done more efficiently because he is British. He is the inventor of the "All You Can Eat Diet" which involves working for his tree management company 5 days a week with no restrictions on what you eat. So far, no one has signed up but Josh remains hopeful. In his spare time, Josh likes to wrestle dogs, throw small children around and eat squirrels.