Prepping For The Thunderschlieffe

- 01 Aug 2014

For Immediate Release

Los Angeles - 09 Jul 2012

The Sharks are expanding... The team. The cars. And their average weight (thank you Tinkerbelle). Consider the following questions:

• Do you have a lot of money?
• Are you related to Steve McQueen?
• Do you have a fully equipped 5 car workshop in Hollywood?
• Are all your weekends free between now and Decemeber?

If you answered yes to any of the these questions, then you should contact The Sharks immediately. You just might have what it takes to join this illustrious nine time losing team. Seriously, we're looking for some fun people who love car racing and are willling to work hard to make it happen. Get in touch if you want in. 

And it's not just new recruits. We've added even more German metal. Introducing a Porsche 944 turbo. Why? We do it simply because we're running out of ways to break the Shark. The original shark BMW 528e turbofish will be Shark One (a.k.a. The Tuner Fish) and the Porsche 944 turbo will be Shark Two (a.k.a. The Hammered Head!). 

According to our new teammates, the otherwise pristine 944 turbo was mortally wounded by a little old lady and immediately relegated to Lemons status by its owner. Jeff and Tinkerbelle then coerced some poor bastard to buy the Fuchs wheels it came with for $800. Unconfirmed reports suggest drugs may have been stashed in the tires. And in accordance with strict Italian accounting rules, they have deducted that $800 from the total vehicle value despite the fact that Lemons doesn't consider wheels to be part of the total vehicle value to begin with. Net cost -$300. Que sera, sera.

Working On Our Night Moves

Buttonwillow, CA - 08 Jul 2012

At long last, the Sharks have returned. Much has changed. The team has gone Pisan. Enter Jeff D. and Justin Delfino, a.k.a. Tinkerbelle. They bring with them a lot of cursing and general laziness but thankfully the equipment remains defiantly German.

For Buttonwillow, the car shed it's Motronic roots and adopted a MegaSquirt fuel injection system tuned by Captain Woodnuts, who until now has never tuned anything other than a radio. Much illegal street tuning and fuel supply issues later, the car was just about dialed in and now re-christened The Tuner Fish.  

During practice, a wire to the fan relay was knocked loose and left undiscovered until the engine overheated. This brought about much yelling and screaming as to how to get the engine to cool down. Another overheating episode closed out our day when the actions taken during the previous overheating incident caused the fan to fail again. 

Fortunately, most of the race wasn't as eventful. At the outset, the engine bucked and backfired intermittently for reasons then unknown. But it was still moving the car around the track. 3 hours in, the ignition coil got pissed off and just stopped working altogether. The previous overheating episodes cooked the ignition wires causing them to arc intermittently. The car limped in for new wires. This knocked us from 6th place to 59th (out of 145). For the next 12 hours or so, we ran a clean race (save for two cautions) and pushed our way back up to 22nd place. Surprisingly, we ran our best at night despite our awful rally lights and the myopic flagging. At 4:30AM with just a hint of light in the sky, the shark developed the all too familiar rooster tail of blue smoke indicating blown turbo bearings. Four greasy exhausted slobs took a little over an hour to mount up the replacement turbo and clean out the intercooler and charge lines while the sun rose behind them. At this point, our chances of a good finish were over, so the remaining drivers went out and played in traffic just for fun. Which it was!

We're Back! (Again)

Los Angeles - 01 May 2012

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

Los Angeles - 05 Aug 2011

The following has been adapted from our aborted Sears Pointless entry earlier this year. With extreme lethargy.

If you keep banging your head against the wall, eventually something good will happen. This is the long-held belief that keeps The Sharks returning to LeMons. We also take comfort in the following truths: No other LeMons car is faster. And slower. At the same time. No other team has achieved such mastery. Of procrastination. Just like a debt crisis debate, what should take five hours, takes us 5 weeks of deliberation. Followed by 5 hours of actual work (some of it actually hard). Once we’re finally off to the races it’s with half of the required tools, a car that hasn't been run in 5 months, and 4 to 5 grumpy greasy misanthropes who forgot to get food or bring warm clothes or something else equally obvious.

Don't know if that's a concept or a confession. Regardless, we have several agendas for this race. The junkyard is suffering from a glut of rusting ghetto-chargers. The team members all have soft supple palms and freshly manicured nails. They have completely forgotten the dizzying sensation of prolonged exposure to atomized motor oil. And recent satellite passes over Sears Point indicate a very dry oil-less track.

Finally, in continuing our tradition of extreme procrastination, we hope to complete the theme that we started two races ago!